Surrender

We all are looking for some form of surrender. Eminem puts it right in his song Lose Yourself, if that's the correct title. It's all about giving in to the feeling, the losing control of everything in the quest for surrender, about doing things to and for yourself or having them done to you that go far outside whatever boundaries might exist in everyday life, of loosing the bonds so that they fall by the wayside and disintegrate. I think that hardcore substance abusers understand this best, at least at the very start of their abuse, that initial burst of feeling that nothing else matters except what they're feeling right then.

I've been struggling with writing this for almost a week, ever since reading a post by Toy in her blog. The post was about being a slut, totally surrendering to feelings, and doing this to and by herself. (This sometimes leads to a discussion of how "nobody does you like you do you", but that's for another day and another time.) The post put down in words what I had thought about for a long time, and I salute her for that organizational capability.

Two things continually come to mind here that have appeared elsewhere in print. The first was a scene in that discredited autobiography A Hundred Million Pieces, in which the author describes a female friend of his, so smitten with her dealer crackhead boyfriend, that she allows him to whore her out for all comers, and then throws her out on the street totally naked, dressed only in a cardboard box. The total debasement and embarrassment practically make me stop breathing.

The second was an article in Tristan Taormino's Pucker Up column that appeared about two years ago. She wrote it from a convention, although which one I'm not sure. It was about a woman who totally surrendered to being dominated by anyone in the audience. Again, the concept and ability to give in so fully to whatever puts you over edge makes my throat close in the course of being aroused.

This has taken me almost a week to write, because it forces me organize things best left unorganized, and to say things best left unsaid. Once you put structure to something diaphanous, it establishes a form and structure that diminish the thing you're dealing with.

Earworm: Eminem-Lose Yourself